Just a note, if I seem all over the place with this, I am sorry. Just my thoughts from today.
I generally won’t talk about sermons, or God’s word, but I am a Christian and one of the tags to find this blog is faith. I have been going back to church just recently and it has really helped me process some emotions that I have been not able to properly deal with. Most of what I have not been able to let go is hate. Not hatred about what happened me caring for mom. I would have done that anyways. But the hatred I had towards God for allowing mom to suffer for so long with not only one, but two horrible diseases. I was so mad at letting one of the most caring and giving people I know go such a horrible way.
Today’s sermon was taken from 1st John in the New Testament. I’ll try to not get preachy here, but there is something in this chapter that really hit me today and made me realize about grief. I have been in a loop with grief. I start to do better, then I hit a wall and I go back to where I started. Its a vicious cycle. In the sermon today, the pastor was talking about how John was talking to the church about loving one another. Not just a few of us, but all of us. The scripture says walk (love each other and live as He instructed us) in lightness with Him, but in lives in darkness is not in lightness. In other words, if you say one thing and do another, you are not truly living as He would. But the scripture that got me, and the whole reason for this post is this. 1 John 2:11 “But whoever hates his brother or sister is in the darkness and walks in the darkness and does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded his eyes.”
There was something that struck me specifically about that passage. You cannot walk in darkness and see where you are going. Grief can be blinding. I was blinded by the hatred of what happened to mom. I was blinded by the the hatred of what mom did to herself. I saw this as God speak that I need to let go of all the hatred. All the hurt. I told my husband before I left, ” I feel like I’m a screensaver, just going blindly and bouncing in a different direction when I reach the edge.” Then I got this message today. I realized that I need to let God in, to let the light so I can see where I am in this grief and maybe, I can walk into a better place. I mean, how can you love others when you don’t even love yourself. Loving yourself means your whole self. Not just parts of yourself.
I feel like a major transformation is taking place in my life. The last couple of years I have been trying to recover from everything on my own. Truth be told, my faith was seriously lacking. I thought I was walking the walk.. but I wasn’t. I was asking God for help to get through the pain, but I was also angry and blaming Him for my misery. I am learning to let go of all the pain, all the hate, all the darkness. Its hard, I won’t lie.
I will leave you with this. I am not saying that I am done grieving. I will never be done grieving her loss. It is ok to have those bad days, but its not ok to live in the darkness all the time. Yes, it does take time to find the light. For me, I kept running into walls and it took a jolt to get me to find the light I didn’t know I was looking for. It takes time to find that light that we all need. Caregiving is hard. Learning to truly live after caregiving is no easy task. It has seriously taken an act of God to get me to live again. Mom always told me not to worry about her and for me to live my life. Looking back, I wasn’t truly living life as mom wanted me to. She enjoyed her life as it was given to her, so in reality, how can I be mad at her for making herself sick (will go into that in another blog). I know that mom was strong in her faith and I will see her again one day. Mom would not want me to be living my life as a screensaver.. bouncing around blindly. She would be wanting me to see where I’m going in life. And with my renewed faith in God, I plan on living in His light wherever I go.