There wasn’t suppose to be a part 2 to this. I really didn’t want to have a part 2, but there has been some scary thoughts in my mind lately and I know they are related to everything that I have been through. But its getting harder to ignore these thoughts and it sends me into tears almost instantly.
January 2018 I lost my mom and my first cousin. January 2019 I lost my mom in law. Things come in 3s. 3 deaths.. 2 Januaries. My head is expecting 3 January deaths and I cannot cope with the thought of losing someone else in January. I have lost a few other family members in January, but they were great aunts. I was close to them, but not as close as the ones I am writing about. My brain is saying “Who is it going to be next? Is it dad? Is it my husband? Who?” Dad will be 78 in January, husband will be 42 in March. I am not able to stop the thoughts of death around me. I am terrified. These thoughts are debilitating. I cry at the drop of a hat. I panic over other things that are stupid. There is so much going on that I have a hard time thinking about what is right in front of me.
I have an amazing son and husband and dad and friends and all these people I know I can talk to about it, but yet I get interrupted and told to calm down. NO! I cannot calm down and talk in a normal voice. This is how I am when I am upset and need to scream and cry. I can’t hold it in anymore. I am terrified of losing anyone else because I am terrified of what its going to do to me.
All I want for Christmas… is to skip into February… but wait.. one of my best friends was killed in a car accident and that was rough. I don’t know what is harder.. watching someone die or losing someone in an instant. So for Christmas, bring me March. That’s a good month for me and its hubby’s birth month. April I will be ok even though its mom’s birthday month. May is fine, June is awesome. June is our anniversary. July-November all good, especially November when my amazing son was born. Can I just skip over the bad months? I am probably on the verge of another massive breakdown. I probably need it, but the energy it requires is so much more than I have.
And really, all this is more than just being afraid of losing someone. Its financial, its other personal stuff that I have to work through. Some things I do have I that I am dealing with isn’t in any relation to what I keep on this blog, but it does take a toll on me when I stop and think about it. And some things I don’t want but only certain people knowing. I am not asking for money, but right now it would ease things. I know God will provide for us. I have always believe that. I know God will get me through this. Its just hard to deal with everything at once.