Its been almost 2 years since mom passed, its been over 5 since I had a sense of normal. We finally got the food truck opened and yesterday we had an amazing day. We were able to set up at our local race track here and we nearly sold out. We made a lot more than we expected as well. Give me a minute to get to the point but I have a back story here to get to the point.
There was a man that we knew that use to work at the track and we were friends with him. He passed away 7 yrs ago. There was a lady that came over to introduce herself and she was talking about coming back to the track to work after her husband had passed. I asked her if she knew our friend, Stanley. She said “oh, that was my husband.” We ended up talking for probably an hour and she gave me some great insight about living after a death. Let me tell you, yesterday I laughed more than I have in a very long time. She validated some things for me and I think I healed more in one day than I have since mom has been gone.
First was being angry at God. I have talked about this and in all reality, its normal to feel that way. Those who believe in God, we trust that He isn’t going to let anything bad happen to us. But yet, they do. Not as punishment. Just things happen and we deal with it as best as we can. I look at it as a faith tester. We pray that God will fix things, heal us, make things happen for us, but sometimes those answers are silent. There is not always a right away answers either. And sometimes, there are no answers. Then we get angry at God for not giving us this big, elaborate answer right when we are needing it. We get angry at God for not only letting our loved ones suffer, but us suffering as well. I suffered a lot taking care of mom. I lost my identity taking care of mom. I use to be happy, easy going, peppy person. When I was taking care of her, I was stressed beyond measure, I became very depressed, and I was having severe mood swings. Then when mom passed, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders, but it was replaced with getting my family back on track. This one thing I prayed about…. a lot. I wanted normalcy again.
Second, its ok to laugh. This is something that was hard for me to do, especially in the beginning. When mom passed, I felt like it was wrong for me to laugh when something was funny, when I was having a good time. Yesterday, laughter came so easy. Without guilt. I didn’t even second guess it either. I didn’t even think about it yesterday.. Today, I realized that I haven’t laughed like I did yesterday in a long time. She told me some stories about her and her husband, her grandchildren, her great grandchildren. We talked about marriage and she told me some stories about them when they were younger. Laughter is good for the soul. Laughter is healing. Its invigorating.
Yesterday was the first day that I felt like everything is really going to be ok. We had a really successful day at the track and we have a really good future with the track for next race season and the last big one of this season. We have a bright future ahead of us. We have become stronger both mentally and physically. What I went through with mom gave me the mental strength to keep going when the going gets tough. We got physically stronger as well. You would be surprised how much stamina and muscle strength you gain when you build a food truck and when you are in and out of it several times a day, plus the prep during the day. Yes, weight loss has also happened. Its really been amazing.
I have seen people ask if it does get better. Yes, it can. You can’t force it. You have to let the grief pass through you. It has no timeline. It will happen when it happens. Our food truck journey started all because my mother in law wanted us to better ourselves. She wanted us to make a future for ourselves and I think we are accomplishing that. Happiness comes at its own pace. Don’t feel guilty about being happy after losing your loved one. Would they want you to be unhappy for the rest of your life? Of course not. Yes, there are days that I really miss mom. I have missed her so much and wished she was here to see this and to see me smile again. But, I know that she sees me from the heavens. Some of her desserts will be a part of the truck because she and my grandma taught and gave me the love of baking. Its ok to be happy. It really is.