This last week, my husband and I left to California for our delivery business.  We got back and we were both just done.  We were extremely beat.  Then, add onto it, I find baby bed bugs in a pillow that I had taken with us, and I felt like we picked them up at a hotel we stayed at. So, Monday and Tuesday after we got back I was washing 2 twin beds bedding and a gillion pillows just to make sure they didn’t spread.  Today, I did nothing.  Well, I ran to the grocery store because I have a teen in the house who likes to eat lol.  I know you are saying this has nothing to do with the title.  I will get there. I promise.

If you have ever been in Los Angeles, CA, you know how insane the traffic is. And you also know that LA is not just LA.  Its composed of many suburbs.  Don’t get me wrong, its an amazing place, but if you don’t people well, it can make you go off the deep end.  Then, if you are driving in said traffic, its just ridiculous.  Pulling a trailer of any kind makes it worse.  I refuse to drive in LA.  I will drive in any other city, but that one.  I ended up having an anxiety attack in the traffic.  In the past, I was ok.  I don’t know why this was different.  I knew what  to expect… craziness!!! I think I gained a few more grey hairs those couple of days going back and forth.  Long story short, while we were on the road, I started to see something in me that I had never felt in the past couple of years that we have been doing this.  Even while we were on the road when mom was still alive.  I realized I don’t have the passion or the energy to do this anymore.  I love being on the road, but the nights in the truck about killed me.  Especially the last night.  Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get comfortable.  I was miserable the next day.  I did manage a nap between the last drop offs… a trailer then a dog (who was so sweet and I would have brought her home in a heartbeat).

The days after we got home, we had to run errands and in those stops, one was for coffee.  Well, where we live we have Starbucks or McDonald’s for something more than just your cup of joe.  But, we have this amazing little coffee/beverage trailer that is amazing!!  (If you are in Temple, TX, look for Atrium Coffee).  Well, this re-sparked something in us.  A while back, we had talked about getting a trailer and doing the same thing.  The idea didn’t die out completely, but the timing wasn’t there. In a conversation with my husband, I asked him if he saw us ever going back on the road.  He said no and deep down inside, I jumped for joy.  I want to be on the road, but only if we want to, not have to.  He has been really talking about getting the trailer up and going.  We will have the money to fund it from the sale of my mother in law’s house (closing is 1 week away!).  She really wanted us to have a house of our own, but that isn’t going to work out, but we can still take care of ourselves with this.  Nothing is set in stone yet, but the ball is rolling with ideas.

I also have been doing some thinking about me personally.  I am 38 and have no idea what my future holds.  What I do know is that my son will be graduating high school this school year, he will be 18 in November, and that I need to get healthy.  This was one thing I also realized..  Aside from packing a cooler and eating the same thing day in and day out, its really hard to eat healthy on the road.  Yes, I tried to make good choices, but I realized after we got home, losing weight and being on the road just don’t go hand in hand with us.  But the one thing I do have is faith.

Faith that things are going to work out with a new business venture. Faith that I am going to get healthy.  Faith that everything will eventually be ok, even if it will take a bit to get there.

When I was taking care of mom, I was having issues with keeping the faith.  There were days that just seemed impossible.  These were the days that I had to pray extra hard to keep my cool, to do what was needed, to stay strong, and to just roll with the punches.  There were also other days that everything was great, and I would thank God for that break.  Something that I haven’t been doing much is praying.  I don’t know why, I just haven’t prayed… till tonight.  Even if its just a quick one to say “thank you for giving me another day”.

As a caregiver, you have to keep the faith.  To me is one of the best descriptions if you don’t have faith while caregiving.  James 1:6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Not having faith while caregiving, your emotions and fears will be all over the place.  Praying and having faith will keep you grounded.  Having faith in God, that He will provide in your most trying time.  Jobless, money-less, caregiving.  God will and does provide.  All it takes a little bit of prayer and faith.  

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