It has been miserable, cold, and damp here for a while. Finally yesterday and today we had nice weather. Today was warm and it’s been amazing. I had an errand to run this morning and after I was done, it hit me. Grief. Out of nowhere I started really missing my mom. I was bored. I didn’t want to be home. I didn’t want to be out. I didn’t know what I wanted but then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s days like today was I would call mom and see if she wanted to get out. We would go eat lunch, talk, go shopping, or just drive around.
I’ve been trying to live a normal life. And for the most part, I’ve been able to. But since mom’s death, depression has taken a hold of me. Then, probably one of worst nightmares happened.
The day before my birthday, we got a call that my mother in law was on life support. Later that day, my husband had to make the decision to take her off. We got up to her as fast as we could. She passed away the next evening, my birthday. Then two weeks later, one of my best friends was killed in a car accident. I’m finally getting my head above water. As much as I hate to admit it, I was drowning in depression and I couldn’t pull myself out it. I had to ask for help. I’m seeing a therapist and on meds. But, it’s not a cure all.
It won’t stop the grief that pops up. I felt like I was needing to do something. The grief I had today wasn’t just me missing mom, though it was a lot of it. It was the caregiver grief.
I don’t know how to really explain it. You would think after 15 months, the caregiver part of me would be gone. I mean, I help dad, but I’m not taking care of him like I did mom. I drive him when necessary, but I don’t have to do anything really for him. But, a part of me still feels like I have to do something for mom. I miss her more now I think than I did when she first past.
I’ve always heard the second year is the hardest. Well, I’m working on the second of birthdays and anniversaries without her. I made it through mine and dad’s birthday without her, now we are fixing to have my husband’s birthday, then her birthday next month.
Grief doesn’t pick the time or place to hit. In a way, I miss taking care of mom. I had a sense of purpose. Between my physical issues that the doctors are trying to figure out, getting my anxiety under, and driving dad to his away appointments, my sense of purpose is gone. I don’t know what to do with myself. Job hunting has been difficult.
I miss having a purpose. I know I’m a mom, a wife, a daughter, a niece, a friend. I grieve mom. I grieve my old self..