Reliving the past

It’s coming up on 3 years mom was diagnosed with dementia. It’s coming up a year that mom has been gone. How have I made it this long? No one has ever told me how hard it is to lose a parent. It’s the worst thing in the world.

We lost my father in law 14 yrs ago come March. Yes,it was hard, but he didn’t raise me. Losing mom, I lost a part of myself. I don’t know how to function anymore. Some days I feel fine, but other days, I’m treading water with bricks on my feet. Today was a brick day.

All I have been able to think about is the anniversaries coming and they are coming fast. The one that is going to suck the life out of me, the day she held me in her arms and hugged me like she was completely there. The last time I felt like everything was going to be ok. It is eating at me. I am not prepared to deal with these emotions.

To add to it, I having to help dad. He had cataract surgery Thanksgiving week and having the other done tomorrow. I’ve been taking him to work, helping him with his eye drops, and taking him to his appointments. Don’t get me wrong, I will do anything for dad. But it’s wearing on me on the mental side. I’m not sleeping well, I can’t stop thinking at night, and I bite heads off.

Grief is a bully. It eats at you and it comes when you least expect it. It makes you worry. It makes you scared. It makes you angry. But worst of all, it makes you feel horrible.

All I can do is just pray for the pain to go away. But, right now, I feel left out. I feel like God has left me behind. I know He hasn’t. But, right now, I feel so alone in a crowded room. That’s the worst feeling I think anyone could ever have. I know they say not to dwell in the past. But, try losing a parent and see how it goes.

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