This last week has been probably one of the hardest weeks ever. My son was admitted to the hospital a week ago today for severe muscle breakdown. It resulted in him being hooked up to two IVs and continuous fluids around the clock at a very high rate of speed. It reminded me of when my mom told me about her staying with me and the hospital when I was a baby. My dad told me my mom never left my side. Even when I was in the hospital in Houston, I always had her with me. I was hit hard with the realization of what my mom did with me. My mom was the one to keep me calm and to always be there for my son when he needed her. I was greatly humbled by just thinking about what my mom did for me and she did it for 9 months. I was with my son for six days in the hospital and it was the longest 6 days of my life. Aside from not sleeping well, I had severe anxiety and her not being there to keep my son and I was hard. But somehow in the midst of those 6 days, I got a feeling that my mom was there with us. I somehow found the strength do keep going and to be strong for our son. I miss my mom more than anyone can imagine. The only ones that know are those who have lost their mother. I wanted to always be like her in the way that she took care of me. I hope I have become half the mother to my son that she was to me.
During this, there was a memorial service that was put on by the hospice group that my mom had when she was sick. It was for all the people that had passed from September 1st 2017 through 2018. It was nice and it was a much needed distraction from what my reality was at the hospital. Seeing my son hooked up to IVs looking like he was a puppet and him feeling as much of one too. It was hard to deal with so many emotions. Between me dealing with the stress of my son being in the hospital, not having my husband around all the time, and me missing my mom and it reinforced by the service, I was about to lose it. And actually that night, I broke down harder than I ever had in a while. Do you know how hard it is to silently cry and not wake your child up and hope that the nurses don’t see you crying is? It was miserable and I am thankful I don’t have to do that again.
That service was on a Tuesday and by Wednesday evening I finally started having hope. My son’s numbers that we were watching finally started to come down and it was just a matter of time before we were able to come home. But then things started changing and going back up. That is when I really realized that my mom was there with me. I had the biggest sense of calm come over me once I got back to the hospital. It also helped to have amazing nurses listen to you.
They say a mother’s love is never-ending. As the days and the years go by, my love for my child will never end. I can only hope that when it is my time, that my love lingers for him as my mom’s love has lingered for us.