Reality of my mom passing is hitting like a ton of bricks with Mother’s Day coming in a few days. You may ask why do I feel guilty about things, well it’s simple. It’s part of grief. Along with anger, and rinse and repeat.
I had a dream a few weeks ago about mom. And it was more of a nightmare. I dreamed that she came back and yelled at me for letting her die. I have had several people tell me that it’s me feeling guilty. Yes, I do and it’s because I don’t feel like I spent enough time with her. She always wanted to travel, and so when we were on the road, I would show her pictures of where we had been when we were home. She traveled through me every time. But, a part of it was I was running away from reality of my mom being sick. But she always to me not to worry about her. She didn’t want me to sit and wait for her to die. Then in November, when I had my foot surgery, she wanted me to go through with it and be pain free. I had a month that I wasn’t able to be in the house with her like I wanted to. That is where the guilt starts.
I did what I could for her, but with every caregiver, I feel it wasn’t enough. We never feel anything we do is enough.
Anger has also been an issues lately. Mainly because with Mother’s Day coming, I’m jealous of all the ones who have their mom still. I’m angry that all the daughters who have their mom that he get to do whatever. The grandmas who get to see their grandchildren hit milestones. My son won’t have his grandmother there for his graduation. His wedding. His anything else he achieves. Sadly, I know that feeling as I lost my grandmother at 12 yrs old.
I hate feeling this way. I’m on edge all the time and some people get the brut end of the deal. I end up holding it a in and that hurts me even more. Not only mentally, but physically. I know I will eventually be ok. But sometimes I wonder how long it it’s going to take. I can’t take feeling like this anymore.