I by nature am not an angry person. But since my mom was diagnosed with dementia, I have felt anger take over me and I now, am consumed by it. I know I cannot blame mom for anything. It was her life, her choices, and her acceptance of whatever happened, happened.
But lately, I have noticed I am on the verge of tears all the time. I have a hard time being alone because I start to think about things and start crying. I am so tired of crying. I never thought I could cry as much as I have. I know in my heart that I need to feel these emotions through. But mentally, I cannot handle it. I don’t want to cry anymore. But, yet I do. I cry over thinking about mom and I being out on a nice day. I cry about her drinking herself to death via diet cokes. I cry about her not taking better care of herself. I cry about anything and everything that involves her in the thought. But, yet I just shed a few tears and go on when in reality, I want to have a major sob session. But, I don’t have the energy for it. I feel it physically effecting me because I never hurt as bad as I am now.
I know mom wasn’t going to live forever. But, I wasn’t expecting her to die while I am still in my 30s, even though she outlived both her parents. Her dad was in his mid 50s, her mom was 69, mom was 71. I get mad at the fact that she chose a lifestyle over us. She chose to not take care of herself and listen to us about the dangers of what she was drinking. I get mad at the fact that there are many of my friends who have moms in great health and get to watch their grandchild(ren) grow up and do things with their life. My son was the apple in her eyes. From the moment that my son was born, he had her wrapped around his little finger.
Not long after she was diagnosed with cancer, I had a major breakdown because I was so upset about her choices. She had a good life, she was happy, and that is what should matter. So why am I so mad at her still. Its not fair to her or me. I really when you break it down, just want my mom. I need her advise. I need her arms around me telling me its going to be ok.
I know that anger is a huge part of grief. Both anticipatory and after death grief. Watching someone die changes you. I watched my father in law and my mom die. I did everything for them. I want whoever reads this, its ok to be angry. Be angry at the world. But, don’t hold it in like I am. Its not worth it. I will get it out. When, who knows. It will probably be over something stupid. Like tonight, my husband didn’t want pork chops and I got mad over it. Seriously… I later apologized because it was something stupid. If I don’t get my way, or if I get criticized, it sets me off. I know that this is something I have to get through. Its not the way to live. I hate being angry. Its not me.