Me Being Raw

I don’t usually do this, be raw.  But, there are a lot of things that have been on my mind and the only way to get it out is to write it.  I guess you can say this is a temporary pity party because I don’t intend to stay in this.  But I am going to warn you, this will probably be a lot longer post than all my other posts.

I am just going to start in the very beginning.  Before mom got sick, before I got married.  I am going to go back to when I was born.  Because this is where my story starts.  I was born Jan. 17, 1981.  I was born with a heart defect that wasn’t realized till I was several months old.  I had a hole between my upper chambers, one between my lower chambers, and the patent ductus didn’t close.  Before they had found the issues, I had multiple bouts of pneumonia, bronchitis, and nearly died a few times.  I was on a respirator for 7 months and in the end it screwed up my lungs.  That long of a time made me have basically rubberized lungs which basically means that my lung capacity is not where most people would have it.  I had open heart surgery around a year old and then my life went from where I would have a normal life, to everything changed because of one selfish doctor. I say this with full hatred.  If you know me, you know I don’t hate anyone.  I may dislike someone, but never hate.  But he is the exception to the rule.  Because of him, my life was forever altered.

When I was in the hospital, I had multiple IV’s and with time, my veins just weren’t cooperating.  So, they had to stick an IV in my right foot.  This doctor ended up taping the tape to tight around my foot and it was not discovered till a week later.  The reason I have a deep hatred for this doctor is because I was his last patient before he went on vacation.  Because he was in a hurry, I ended up having my life single handed changed.  I ended up losing all my toes and part of my heel.   The bones in my foot ended up curving towards the inside of my foot.  The bone loss in my heel made the biggest difference though.  It caused me to have uneven hips (between 1-1.5″ difference between the left and right hip).  This caused my back to naturally shift to the left to make up the difference.

I now have degenerative disc disease and arthritis in my back, arthritis in my hips, issues with knees and ankles.  Now, growing up I really didn’t have issues with anything because I was still young, thin, and able.  The only thing I did have to deal with was finding shoes. I had to get 2 different sizes of shoes. Another thing I now have is plantar faciatis in my left foot because of the extra stress that it endured over the years.

I want to jump back for a moment to the reason beyond the physical issues.  When I was probably 13 or so, my doctor asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I told him I wanted to be a respiratory therapist or something in the medical field.  He told me something I will never forget.  He told me my body was not going to let me.  I didn’t believe him.  I didn’t want to believe him. Then, when I was 17, I lost control of my mom’s car.  I wasn’t hurt bad, but I did have issues with my back and ended up going to a chiropractor and that is when I realized he might be right.  You see, the reason I have a hatred so deep for the doctor that screwed me up, he kept me from following my dreams.  I had always loved the medical field.  Mom was an LVN and I wanted to follow her footsteps.  I grew up looking at medical books she had.

I got married 3 weeks after high school and never went back to college (even though I had a decent scholarship) after graduation.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do.  I still struggled with what I wanted to do when I grew up.  Well, I was grown up and all I knew at that time, I was in love, a newly wed and ready to jump i the next phase of my life.  I had my son at 20 and then ended up moving in with my father-in-law at the age of 23 to take care of him. I didn’t think about going back to school till my son was 6 or so.  I decided that it was time to do something with my life. I figured out that I wanted to get my certification to become a teachers aide.  I got talked into becoming a teacher and I thought, yes, I might as well.  Well, one semester in, I realized I couldn’t do it.  I think it was more in my mind than anything.  I finished out the semester with being on the assistant dean’s list.  That was with taking 4 classes, one being an online only class.

I went on with my life and I decided to try to go back four more times.  Once for a music major because I was still determined to become a teacher.  Pastry chef when my husband was going to culinary school.  I love baking and such and I thought it would be something I could really do. Photography, to actually get trained in it.  But after a lot of research, what you pay in college tuition, you don’t get the return in actual pay and most of it you can learn online. Then, just recently, English major.  Not for teaching, but to explore other options.  Mainly for writing.    But none of these were what I actually wanted.  I wanted to be in the medical field, leaning more towards surgical nurse.  But, because my body won’t hardly let me some days function to do normal house stuff, I can’t physically do what I really wanted.  It has gotten really depressing.

Over the years, trying to keep up with being a wife, a mom, a caregiver has worn on me physically.  The reason I had the surgery on my foot originally was to take away some areas that were left behind.  In simple terms.. when the doctors and nurses cleaned my right foot up when I was a baby, they cleaned up all the dead tissues and left behind was was still viable.  What was left was the first joints where the toes would be. After all was healed, I had bone, skin, and scar tissue.  So when I walked, I was pushing off on skin and bones.  After 36 years, it was getting harder for me to recover from the pain walking for long periods of time.  The surgery took off those joints and padding was added to make it easier for me to walk. A couple of inches was taken off and my tendons and muscles were lengthened in my calf.

Now this is where my “pity party” comes in.  Now that I am walking without a boot, in regular shoes, my feet HURT!!  A lot of it is, I need new shoes (which is in progress).  But even at that, just walking around the house, I have so much more pain.  Its not so much pain in my feet, which is there, its in both my legs.  My balance is different and my whole body is having to relearn how to adjust.  There has been a realization that I have had and I never wanted to have it, especially now.  I am more handicapped than ever before.  My podiatrist gave me a permanent handicapped placard, and told me I should file for disability.  Ok, that is fine.  What isn’t fine is that I am 37 years old and pretty much have decided I need to get a mobility scooter for me.  I am fine most days, but then there are others I can barely get around.  Then that makes me upset that I am holding our family back on having fun.  For instance, the day before yesterday I was subbing and had no issues what so ever.  Yesterday, I could barely get around.  Today has been one of those days that started well and quickly went downhill.  The reason I have so much issue with getting one now, I see what my future is going to hold sooner rather than later.  And it scares the hell out of me.  I always thought I would age gracefully like my mom did.  I am trying, but a scooter doesn’t make me age gracefully.

I look at the people I went to school with and get jealous of them because they are normal.  Now, I know some do have their own issues, but no where near what I do. I look at other moms and wish I could be like them. Get up and go without issues. I want to just for once be like everyone else.  Most people my age don’t need scooters to get around.  I have always stuck out.  My scars, my foot, my religion…. you name it, I stuck out.  Getting a scooter will once again, make me stick out.

I know deep down I need it.  I do not want to hold my family back from going out and having family fun.  Right now, I do good some days just to get a drink.  Tomorrow will probably be one of those days with the weather changing.  I hate that in my mind know I can handle most anything, but my body physically won’t let me.  Its just not fair.  It really isn’t.  Why me?  Why did the doctor have to mess my life up? Why so I have to suffer? They say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, right?  I ought be invincible by now.  My life has been full of trials and tribulations and for once, I just want to be a normal wife and mom.  No pains, no issues, no nothing.

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