This is not what you think, life after death. Its taking my life back after death. Its been a lot harder than I thought. Its the everyday things that make my life. Cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning, and those projects that have been on the back burner.
I am now on my second year subbing at the local school district. I had to give it up in April last year because that was when mom started going through all of her cancer testing before we found out and then after all the appointments were done, I was in shell shock from the diagnosis, I just couldn’t deal with it all. Now this year, I had to take time out because I had my surgery. I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to go back to subbing because it was so uncertain about mom and dad taking off that I needed to be available. After losing mom, it took a certain weight off my shoulders. I could at least start bringing some kind of money in. Even if it was just for a few household item. I told the school I would let them know when I was ready. After mom’s funeral, I decided it was time to bring back a new normal. I told them on Jan. 12 and on the 14th, I was subbing. It was much needed. Now, I am subbing quite a bit because its peak season for everyone getting sick. I am really glad I went back so soon. Dad ended up going back to work on the 14th also and its really helped me find a new routine.
Fast forward to today. Was meeting someone to buy some stuff from me so I expected to just throw on some clothes, go meet, come home and get on with my day. Well, I got a call to sub and I said yes, not because of the money, but to get me in a new routine. I had 6 hours of sleep off and on and I was so not ready to, but I knew if I didn’t, I was going to be lazy the rest of the day. So, I went to work, came home and put up 2 loads of clothes that had been folded in the basket for 2 days. Gathered laundry and started a load so I had something to wear the next day. Washed dishes that had been sitting in the sink for 2 days. Hubby made dinner, then I washed those dishes. I will tell you now, I am tired. My legs are sore, but I am glad I went to work. I feel normal. Well, as normal as you can be when fighting tooth and nail to get out of a major depression. I am getting there. But doing the normal everyday things are helping.
Doing all this says, life after death does go on. Its the paying bills, its the cleaning, its the getting out and not having to worry about anything. I will say however, it has been hard. The days are getting easier. But, its the little things that you randomly think of that make you break. But, the next day, you get up, make your bed, get dressed, and go on about your day. Sometimes the difference of a day is a total 180. Great one day, crying all day the next, then back to great. I am blessed to have an amazing husband and son who have stayed by my side through this whole journey. My caregiver journey has ended, but a new one has begun. The me learning how to live in a world without mom journey.
If you are reading this and need advise, or just a sounding board, I am here. That is the point of this blog. To let people realize that even though caregiving is often a lonely journey, you are not alone.