The First of Many Firsts

Its been 11 days since mom has passed.  I have learned how to start finding new normal in some things.  But there is no new normal with certain things.  Dad’s birthday was on Jan. 12.  Mine is tomorrow.  The first birthdays after mom’s passing.  Both birthdays have been with her involved.  Dad’s last birthday… mom and dad came over and I made dinner.  Dad’s birthday the other day… I made him dinner but it wasn’t the same.  My last birthday, I got a card and money because it was getting hard on mom to get out a lot, but I had my time with mom.  Tomorrow, I just want it to be over already.  I am already falling apart.

Today I was suppose to sub, but due to uncertainty of road conditions, they closed the schools.  Tomorrow though, I sub and I am glad.  It will give me several hours of being distracted.  But tomorrow after that… who knows.  I will probably be a blubbering mess.  The next hard day after my birthday… mom’s birthday.  April 18.  Then Mother’s Day.  Then my son’s; he was mom’s world.  Then Thanksgiving, her favorite holiday and her last good one.  Christmas but not for the reason of the holidays.  It will be the beginning of the end for her.  Then, the 1 year anniversary.  Rinse and repeat.

No one tells you how you are suppose to get through these firsts.  I am at a loss.  I seriously do not know how to do these.  I will do it as best as I can.  I will have my husband with me.  I know mom is always with me, and around.  I have my signs. But it just isn’t the same.  That hole will never be filled.

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