When There Just Aren’t Words

It has been a really, really, REALLY hard last few days.  Mom was doing so well.  She was talking, somewhat coherent, was watching her birds and talking about them.  Then in the flip of a switch, she drastically went down hill.  I don’t know what happened.  But, I believe it was the talk I had with her.  You know, the talk to let them know its ok to go.  I did that last week sometime and she said, “I appreciate it”.

I didn’t know how much it impacted her, but it really impacted me.  I cried like a little baby wanting her mommy to pick her up.  And in a way, I am that baby who wants her mommy.  I want her to be healthy, I want her to be able to get out and go like we use to.  Its been since probably April mom and I had our last mom/daughter date.  I miss them.  And I told her that too.  How I wish we could have just one more time out.  I got down on the floor and hugged her and she held me so tight.  She told me to just let it all out, and I did.  That was the last time I had mom here.  She comforted me one last time.  Then all things changed Christmas Eve.

We went to my best friends house for dinner and we had been home for maybe 1 1/2 hours.  Dad came to the trailer and said mom fell.  I called for lift assist. They came, mom was in a lot of pain, nurse came, and my husband took me to the town 30 min away to go get mom’s new pain med… morphine.  Mom is also on Lorasapam for her severe anxiety.  Then, Christmas morning, she fell again.  I had been asleep for maybe 5 hours.  Dad got me, I call for yet another lift assist.  I had plans for Christmas day, and after everything was calm, dad told me to go ahead and go.  Then last night, Christmas night, she fell again.  Then again this morning.  Now, we have her in a hospital bed and after the nurse and aide got her in the bed, and settled, she laid down and was finally calm.  No more groaning, no more trying to get up.  She was finally comfortable.  And that was after almost a full dose of morphine, on the hour for 5-6 hours at least.  She slept solid for about 3 1/2 hours.  And dad, well he finally could breathe a sigh of relief.

Now, here it is 10 pm, I should be trying to go to sleep.  I can’t even if I tried.  I am so beyond exhausted.  Not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally, I am spent.  I can’t cry enough to get a release.  I am numb to everything, but yet, I watch mom and just cry. I don’t know how many times I have prayed for God to take her home.  I don’t know about you, but I believe in the after life.  And after this morning, I know my grandparents are here.  She kept saying ok like she was talking to someone.  Every time it she would say help me, it was generally followed by an ok, and a calm one at that.  It was different than when we would tell her to lay back and it was a tearful ok.  I pray that she goes before the new year.  Dad and I need to put this year behind us and start fresh next year.  We all do.  I can’t imagine mom lasting much longer.  She has quit eating, and only drinking enough take pills.  I know she doesn’t have but maybe a week at most.


2 thoughts on “When There Just Aren’t Words

  1. Pamela

    I don’t know what tomorrow holds, I just know who holds it. Your story touched me. I’ve walked the same path and nine years later I still miss my mother. I know I’ll see her one day, but that doesn’t keep tears from falling…still.
    After the hospital moved her to a tiny room to die, I sat with her twenty four/seven for five days. I finally crawled up in her bed and whispered in her ear that it was ok to go. I told her she didn’t have to stay for my sake. I’m her oldest baby. I believe that’s why she stayed as long as she did. She needed me to tell her that I would be ok. Within hours she stepped into Heaven. It’s the most broken hearted I’ve ever been. I’m sorry for your sadness, for her pain.



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