Why God?

I have asked this question many times in the last week or so.  Mom has gone down hill so quickly this week or so, that we are really worried about her.  Mom’s appetite has drastically decreased, her pain is sky high more often.  I can see she is ready to go.  I have already told her, she doesn’t have to hang on for us.  We will be ok.  Now, I have to find a way to tell dad he needs to say it because one of the nurses I was talking to said it needs to be done.  I ask God to take her home, let her be with her parents.  Its not that I don’t want her to die, I want her to be at peace.  I want mom to be who she use to be.  I don’t see her anymore.  She has died, but only her personality.

I ask God, why have you not called her home? Why are you letting her go through all this pain?  I don’t understand why.  I know He calls everyone home on His terms, but seriously, why is He allowing her to suffer needlessly.  I am losing my faith.  I hate seeing her go through everything she has to deal with.  She doesn’t deserve all this pain.  She has been a woman of God, she had such a giving heart and soul.  She was everyone’s mom.

I don’t understand so many things.  On top of mom suffering, then I worry about dad.  He is so exhausted from working then taking care of mom.  I have a feeling he is going to go not long after mom.

Helping mom today I had reality smack me hard.  I won’t go into details, but I am glad I have a strong stomach.  Because otherwise, I don’t think I could do what I have to do to help her.  Breast cancer is ugly, and its a monster.  And then when you add the dementia in the mix, its like a totally different monster.  I just pray that I am given the strength to keep going.  Otherwise, I have no idea how its going to happen.

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