My Biggest Fear

Yesterday was an amazing day.  My cousin, who is like a sister to me, got married.  It was a 3 hour drive each way and those 6 hours on the road were so worth it.  I was able to think, let go, and realize a few things.  But, I have a thing about having a good time.  Every time I do, I have a bomb drop. Last night was no exception.

I got home about 1:30 am and I was exhausted.  I get home and see all the lights on in the house and so I came in my trailer, changed clothes, and went inside.  Mom was on the floor again.  I don’t know how long she was there, but dad said he woke up to her yelling for him.  She was in the living room almost to her chair.  I had to call for lift assist again, but because it was middle of the night, we had to wait and by the time they got here, it had been an hour since I had been home, so there was maybe 2 hours she was on the floor.  I told dad that we have reached the point of care beyond us.  I can’t keep calling 911 for a lift assist.  Yes, its an emergency, but, there are worse emergencies than that.  I hate tying up the lines for it.  I told dad that what if he was at work and I was at work, mom fell, what then.  My husband can’t lift her.  Heck, he has a hard time getting around right now.  It would only be by chance he goes in.

I am making the dreaded call about getting things set up for her to go to a nursing home. I hate it.  I hate that I cannot take care of her like I want.  I want to keep her home, because I know statically,  and experience, when someone goes into a home, they decline quickly.  I know that when we do, I will feel like I am killing her.  Especially, if she goes really soon.  Then, I will also feel like that my dad will have a resentment towards me for not being able to help like I want. I also feel that when mom goes, dad will probably give up, or die of a broken heart.  I hate to say this, but probably this time next year, I will probably not have my parents here. If I do, it will be a miracle.

I will not let last night get me down.  I had so much fun.  I had a caregivers dream, a day away from worry, away from duty, away from stress. For me as a mom and wife also, a day away from any and all responsibility.  I gained a whole new family, got to see family from other sides that I don’t get to see a lot, and I got to let my guard down. I pray that tomorrow brings me peace and hope.

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