What About Me??

Last week was a long week and after last night, I pray it doesn’t get any worse.  A week ago Friday, I was in the ER because of my back, wasn’t able to work Monday, Thursday I had my pain clinic appointment, Friday I subbed then went to the high school game, Saturday I cleaned up the house, Sunday my aunt and uncle from Alaska came down and had lunch in hand.  We had a nice long visit and I really needed it.  So did mom.  She seemed like herself and I know she always enjoys having them here.  But then all hell broke loose.

My dad discovered bed bugs and I have dealt with them and they are horrible.  When we moved in with them last summer, not long after that, we discovered them in a recliner and my son’s bed.  Long story short, dad was careless with them and I am almost sure he transferred some and did not know, but I bet some came from the neighbors. This is also an old house and I know they also just happen.  So… I told dad what needed to be done and bought.  I went to go get the stuff for him, I didn’t mind.  2 cans of bed bug killer, 1 bottle of bed bug powder, and vinyl mattress covers on both beds on both mattresses and box springs.  $55 later, I came home and started. Dad had already started by vacuuming and had removed the curtains, washed the bedding and I told dad he needed to do the pillows.  Fast forward to last night around bedtime.

I hurt so bad last night from everything I was in tears.  The shot in my foot had worn off, the one in my back didn’t help.  I was miserable last night that I could barely make it to bed.  This morning, Scott had an appointment and it was hell on me getting going this morning.  I made it though the appointment, it was rough, but I did it.

Now, Scott is on a strict track to get healthy, which I will follow.  Right now, I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions and trying to take care of myself is hell.  Trying to help dad with mom is my priority and its taking its toll on me.  I know the bed bugs could have happened at any time and I get that. Mom’s health and comfort comes before me.  My husband’s health comes before me. Taking care of our son comes before me.  I am running on empty.  I haven’t been able to fill my cup with the physical stuff.  I am trying to take care of myself and its just not working.  I am close to a breakdown because I was feeling so good from the pain relief and now, its like nothing was done.  This morning I was getting ready, was sitting on the bed putting shoes on and I just had a short cry because I know what I am facing and it scares me.

I am a caregiver of my mom.  I also help my husband when needed, even when I am exhausted from helping mom.  She knows I am tired and hurting and I know she hates that I do so much for her and dad regardless.  I often wonder if me taking care of me is even worth it now.  But then I have other caregivers tell me, take care of you because I didn’t and I am paying for it.  I know I need to.  But, I sometimes wonder when that time will be.  I can eat healthy, I can try to exercise, but physically I can’t do much.

This brings me to my next thing.  The staff that is on mom’s hospice case have told me I need to start making arrangements not for now, but when the time is here,  for mom to be placed in a nursing home.  Of course I want her to stay home as long as possible, but I am quickly seeing that I am not going to be able to keep going.  I know that more than likely, when the time comes, mom will probably quickly decline in a nursing home.  I have seen it before.  But, I can’t keep going at this rate.  I just pray that I am able to get me healthy and more able to help mom than I am now.

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