This weekend has been a really long weekend as far as realizations.  Here is a list, though short, of what happened.

Friday morning.. back popped again and was the exact same pain as I felt before.  Meeting with the amazing chaplain, Bruce,  and our social worker, Pete.  They said in their meetings, that our nurse, Rosie, has said she was deteriorating pretty quick.  Wait, what??   Friday afternoon.. went to go buy a recliner for my husband.  Friday evening.. something shifted in my back, sciatic nerve was apparently pinched and I couldn’t feel my left leg.  That night, ER visit.  Couldn’t get any relief.  After a few hours later and 2 potent pain relief shots, I finally was able to walk again somewhat pain free.

Saturday.  Pretty much over did it and caused myself more pain because I don’t know how to quit even when things are up against me.

Sunday..  The realization, thanks to my husband, school isn’t going to happen for me.  Not because he doesn’t support me, he does.  But the fact that some days I can’t stand for long periods of times, or sit for long periods of time or both because of pain. That some days I can’t hold on to anything because the degenerative discs are reeking havoc on my nerves and causing tingling in my arms and hands.  That was the beginning of the realizations I have had in the last 48 hours.

Today.. mom.  My realization with her hit me with a ton of bricks.  To go back to my meeting Friday.  In the past several weeks, every nurse that has come in has said her vitals were good.  So, in my head, I figured she was ok. But then today, when I went in to shower and check on her she was in the bathroom.  She was in the bathroom and I didn’t think much of it.  Then she needed to get dressed.  I figured it out.  Between her lack of mobility, and incontinence she has had for a while, but never was this bad.  It was before mainly because she was on a water pill for a while and sometimes she just couldn’t make it in time.  But now, with the cancer, it is affecting her hip so bad that she is having hell waking.  I got her walker out for her, she still won’t use it.  I realized maybe I refused to see what was really going on.  She is losing her self dignity and I can see it.  I saw her this evening and I could see she was close to tears putting on yet another pair of undies and pants.

My heart breaks seeing her like this.  This is not how she wants to be.  I see she is tired.  The hospice team for mom has mentioned that she will need 24 hour care.  How will we do it, who will do it have been the questions.  I know I probably should have talked to dad, but talking to him about mom is hard.  Not just for me, but for him too.  And I have talked before about nursing homes and he pretty much shut me down before I could really say anything.  So, Friday I talked to Pete and Bruce about it.  Mom has told me years ago she didn’t want the care to fall on me and she knows I am physically not capable of taking care of her.  And also she doesn’t want my son to be put in the same position as I was when my mom was taking care of her mom.  I see that mom is needing 24 hour care quick.  Like really a lot sooner than I had thought.  But, yet I also know that mom will probably go quickly if at a nursing home.  In a way, I don’t want her to suffer anymore.  I know it is probably not the best thing to say, but, she is suffering. And I know that she deserves better than this.  I wish I was able to take her pain away.  I wish I knew what else to do.  Love her, be there for her, and pray for her.  It’s all I can do.

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