I Didn’t Ask For This


This above picture stated something a few years ago that was very positive.  Now, I look at it and say, I didn’t ask for this.  This life that I have now.  A mom who is dying of not one, but two horrible diseases.  A dad who I have no idea on health, but know that he will probably go soon after mom.

I didn’t ask to be given a life of so much uncertainty.  I asked to be stable, to have mom around as a normal, healthy grandma to our son. For my son to have a grandma in his adult years, something I never had.  I didn’t ask for so many morning to wake up with worry.  I didn’t ask for us to be broke all the time.  I didn’t ask for any of this and yet here we are.

What did my mom do to have dementia and cancer?  She was the most caring, giving, Godly woman I know and I ask what did she do to deserve this. I know that I have my faults.  I’m far from perfect, as we all are.  But, there is one thing that gets me.  Why ? I can’t think of anything we all did to get to here.  I just hope and pray that there are better days to come.

I ask that whatever we are going through now will bring greatness to our lives.  People tell me, “oh, you will be blessed for what you are doing”.  You know what I say to that… it better be a huge one.  Seriously, I have put my life on hold once for my father-in-law, for my self to deal with chronic pain, and now its pretty much on hold to help take care of my mom. I even was “nurse Nanci” to my ex-roommate to help him with wound care.  I did that for years.  I have focused on others for so long, I have seem to have forgotten about my own family and myself.  Especially myself.  Whatever is going on now, I didn’t ask for.  All I can do is pray that this current situation leads into something I do want… stability and a degree.

1 thought on “I Didn’t Ask For This

  1. Karen

    Girl first of all let me say I can truly sympathize and empathize with you.
    Seems all 31 years of my married life I was a caregiver to someone. Firstit was working and raising the kids. Most of the time without David’s help because the Army took him away from a lot of being father.
    Then it was caregiver to my mother-in-law when her health began to deteriorate so that she couldn’t. This was while raising the kids while David was traveling for work and I was raising the kids and attending nursing school.
    Some years after my mother-in-law passed away David’s health turned to where he had to retire and again I became a caregiver,his caregiver until he passed away.
    As rough as it was I don’t know that I would go back and change anything if I could. Why? Because not to sound cliche somehow it did make me a stronger person. One that could deal with the pain and grief I have had to deal with these last 3years.
    I don’t know why you have been given the cross you have to bare. One day you will look back and be thankful that you have the memories of yesterday and today

    I am really bad when it comes to trying to qoute scripture. So I don’t remember where it is found in the Bible but I do remember watching the movie the “Hiding Place”. It was set in WWII concentration camp. Two sisters were witnessing to the other prisoners. The older one was speaking of being thankful in all things. The younger one,Corrie tenBoome,said “even the lice!” “Yes even the lice.” Her sister said. Because the guards wouldn’t go in there to do inspections because of the lice so the small Bible they snuck in the prison was safe and so were they because they would have been killed.
    So I don’t know what good will come from your “suffering” and I don’t think you will until God reveals it to you.
    Prayers for you and your family.
    I love you. You can stop by anytime and just vent if you want.



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