In the terms of weather, we all know that before a front hits, there is total stillness. In a hurricane, the worst part is after the eye has passed. As in anything that has happened in my life, there has always been a calmness before tragedy and chaos. This was true when mom was diagnosed with dementia. We went on an impromptu trip, came back all happy… next day I get that call that I will never forget. Then fast forward to this last May. There wasn’t total calmness, but it was enough to say it was my calm before mom was given the diagnosis.
Now, today, mom has been doing really well for a couple of weeks and it has really surprised the nurses. Mom is almost 5 months into her diagnosis, though she has had it for who knows how much longer. But, in the terms of any terminal patients, and in my case two times cancer caregiver, the calm was wellness, happiness, an eery sense of calm. Things going well. Then in the blink of an eye, they spiral into death. Yes, I am loving seeing my mom (for the most part) for who she always has been to me. I see a glimpse of the old her. When we go out, I always check on her before we leave to make sure she is ok. If we are going out to the lake, she always says to me , have fun. Now, you know, when you have a family member who is dying, you want to spend every minute with them, but mom is different. She has told me to live my life, not to worry about her, and though I try to have a normal life, I still worry about her. I fear that one morning I will wake up and not see the light on in the living room and I will see her lifeless in bed. I fear that when we come home, I will see ambulance lights in the driveway. I fear that while we are out, having fun, I will get a call from dad to come home now.
I can’t enjoy my life like mom wants me to, though I do try my hardest. I have calm. I am waiting for that storm to hit. The only thing about this storm, I don’t see it on the radar, I don’t know when its coming. Only God does. And I pray that when that storms does hit, that he won’t let me sink. I cannot imagine life without my mom. She has always been my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, the one I can talk to anytime. She is still, and always be my best friend. I still cry on her shoulder some, but she will never see the ugly cries I have alone. I still talk to her, but I don’t get the same advise I need. I do get encouragement, some. But there are things that I miss. I have though always been like her on one thing. When she knew rain was coming, despite how bad it was going to be, she couldn’t sleep. Well, I got that from her, but this storm I am waiting on… its an unknown day, unknown time and yes, there are many nights, I can’t sleep easy. Like tonight, I am not able to turn off my head because all of this has been on my mind.