New Beginnings

Lately, mom has been actually doing really well.  Really surprisingly well according to the hospice nurses.  I am watching mom be her perky self like she has always been.  Despite the pain getting worse in her hip, she has been in good spirits.  Of course a home cooked meal always helps the soul.  I use to cook for them all the time, but since we had been traveling, I hadn’t been doing it like I should.

In this time that mom has been doing well, I have been able to think about me.  What I am going to do with my life.  Not just now, but in the long run.  I am 36 and still can’t pinpoint what I want to do with my life.  When growing up, I always wanted to follow my mom’s footsteps.  She was a nurse and I wanted become either a respiratory therapist or a surgical nurse.  Well, my body didn’t cooperate.  I am a semi-amateur photographer, and I do some photo sessions, but nothing even close to what a pro does.  I also do crafts, but I know I can’t make what would be a livable wage because I would never have any family time.  I wanted to become a teacher, but for some reason I became scared and never went back to finish school, but have done substitute teaching and I love it.  Then, I started writing. I have been told I have a gift for it.  I use to write a lot of poems in high school, and even wrote a poem for my father-in-law’s funeral that people loved.  I now have an idea and still am trying to figure out how to go about it.  I want to take my journey into caregiving and make it into something everyone who has been through a journey themselves can relate to.  Not just dementia, but cancer, heart issues, disabilities of any kind.  I want to help people that are in my position now.  This journey has been a growing experience for me.  I am not the same person I was when this all started.

When this journey started, I was a mess.  I mean literally, a mess.  I remember when I was a non-medical caregiver for Visiting Angels, I had a couple I came to help, the lady had dementia.  I was so heart broken by how she was.  I remember that first day I had her, I called my mom and told her to please not get it.  I will never forget that conversation.  Then the day I got the call that mom had it, I believe a part of me died.  Now, almost 2 years (wow, its already been that long??!!) later, though I still have my battles, I am a much stronger, more compassionate person.  But, don’t take that for me taking bull crap from anyone.  That fuse is much, much shorter.  I wish I had someone like who I am now, back when my father-in-law was dying.  I was 23, had a 2 yr old son, and I was alone in caring for him.  My husband was there, but I did most of it.  Now, I have found several caregiving groups on Facebook and those people have helped me so much in the past year or so.  I am wanting to extend what people have given to me, to them.  Having someone to lean on that is not a part of the current situation is vital.

So why my title, new beginnings?  Its time for a new one for me.  I have come to realize it is time for me to step out of my comfort zone.  I need a new me.  I need to help people like I wish people would have helped me in the past.  I know where I need to be in my life, now it is the journey just to get there.

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