I never knew that one person can have such weight on one’s shoulders. It seems like when things seem to calm down and even out, things hit the fan…. again. I mentioned in an earlier blog that we have a hotshot business where we deliver trailers and such cross country. Well, that came to a screeching halt Sunday afternoon when my son was when with my husband coming home with a load, he lost control after avoiding something in the road and ended up totaling the truck. Thankfully they were not hurt, air bags didn’t go off, and didn’t flip (90% of truck accidents towing a trailer ends up flipped over). They were very lucky and I am so blessed that I didn’t have to spend time in the hospital or planning a funeral.
Now, I have more on my shoulders than I ever imagined. My husband is having severe depression, still in a state of shock (which is understandable), but he is having a really hard time. I’m trying to stay strong for him, but inside, I am breaking. Between his depression and his disabilities, I am so worried. I am now having to find a job despite the strong urge not to because of mom. And that is my next thing.
Mom is getting worse. Dizzy spells and her left arm is swelling. Since she has a cancer spot in her left lung, the nurse believes its decreased oxygen levels are causing the dizzy spells and so we’re having an oxygen tank delivered tomorrow for when she has dizzy spells, the oxygen should help. My mom is my world, she is my best friend. We’ve been through so much together. She has done much for me and I don’t know why I cannot stay in there with her more than an hour, if that.
They say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Well, I ought to be invincible by now. I’ve been told that I will be greatly bless because of all that I have done. I’ve been told I will probably become a butterfly. I know these things are meant to make me feel better, but honestly, I don’t even know what feeling better feels like. I forgot what I use to feel like before s**t hit the fan for me. I use to be happy all the time, but in the last couple of years, I have lost ability to be naturally happy. I put on a smile and go about my day. I am scared of what is to come when mom does go. I pray a thousand prayers that this deep depression passes.