There have been days lately that I have spiraled into a deep depression. There have been days that I have done things that would be considered a dangerous behavior. But there have been three constants in my life.. faith, family, friends.
I have always been a believer in God. I grew up in a church, but no longer go because I began to question that church. But, I have always had my faith. I also believe in the power of prayer.
In this journey, I have probably prayed more in the last couple of years than I have in my life. I ask him to help me keep my head above water, for my mom not to be in pain, for the strength to just go on. Remember the anticipatory grief, yeah, that is the main time I ask for him to help me keep going. But then there are days I beg him to take Mom. Not so much for me, but because I know she is suffering and with her dementia, she can’t articulate what she is feeling. Last week she said she wanted to go home. But yet, after talking to her more, she I sense is feeling something changing but can’t say what it is but wanted to go back to a time before she got sick. This is when I prayed probably the hardest prayer. Help dad and I keep going, and to please not let her be in pain.
There is another side to the faith though. I have felt the difference in days on how I feel because someone says, I’m praying for you. I really do feel it some days and I know God is working on me to get through the next big hurdle. On Facebook, when I say prayers, I really do have a prayer for them. I mean what I say.
Family has been iffy. Mom’s side of the family is dwindling down quite a bit. I have an uncle, a cousin, and a great aunt and uncle that are immediate family then they have their families. My uncle, whom I found after 20 plus years, has told me how much it means to him for me to be here with mom. My cousin, she has her own things going but has been a huge support for me. I know I can call her any time and know that I am not alone. My dad’s side of the family are also always there via Facebook. I have a group chat for them to keep them updated on mom. But honestly, after my parents are both gone, I have no one here holding me back. Yes, I have friends, but my cousin is the only one here local that is family, but still, not holding me here. Then…. Well then there are another set of cousins that seem not to care at all. I’m done trying with them. They don’t want to be, fine with me. It’s their loss, not mine. They haven’t cared since my grandmother passed away.. a few months before my uncle disappeared. Blood doesn’t make you family, it’s who is there when needed.
I’m shouldn’t have to mention, but my amazing husband of 18 years and almost 16 year old son have been my rock. They know when I am down, when I just can’t go anymore and somehow, they keep me from giving up.
Over the last few weeks I lost two friends. One I had to kick out because he was causing me more stress than I needed, the other took himself out of the picture. I was about to kick him out, but circumstances were in place. He didn’t get it. He didn’t get how bad my life is.
But then there are others. The ones who get it. One of my best friends, her mom has heart issues and next heart episode could kill her. She and I have been through so much together and she is probably my biggest supporter other than my family. I have another one who I have been friends with since kindergarten.. the rare long term friendships that just don’t go away. Even when contact is lost for a few years. If you look at my Facebook friends, you will see only people who care about me and my family. I don’t accept anything less.
I don’t know where I would be without any of these three. I also know they are all connected. God put these people in my life for a reason. There’s a saying I live by.
“God never gives you more than you can handle. And when he does, it’s a test.” This one I feel is probably the truest thing ever. I really don’t know what this test could be for. I’m almost scared to find out.